Do you know what I really need?
by frostedlemoncoward
Summary: Title is from the amazing hounds of love by kate bush. Angsty OTH story with a good selection of coming out and drama. : Peyton centric.
1. Help me, please!

Title: Do You Know What I Really Need?

Pairing: Mentions of canon and non-canon, focus to be determined.

Rating: Uhm. T, maybe M? I guess? I'm never good at this.

Disclaimer: You know the drill, I'm not the owner or originator.

Summary: Sketches, sketches, sketchy sketchy business.

Spoilers/Warnings: f/f. So. Y'know.

A/N I'm reworking this, and I know I've been AWOL for ages, there's been a lot going on and around and it's blah. I'm trying to get this somewhere near where it should be. Sorry.

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She's staring at your latest sketch when you walk into your room, and you freeze. Her eyes are glistening, you aren't sure why, but you feel like your world has bottomed out. You weren't expecting her, and you hadn't cleaned up your sketches before running some errands this morning, you thought you had time to work on them. Shit, you think. Shit. There are more words there, panicked and curse filled, but they don't matter much. Shit sums it up alright you suppose. Shit. Shit.

She picks up one of the drawings and studies it like it's a test she'll never pass but can't afford to fail.

It's a drawing of the two of you, your heart is bare, entwined and encroached upon by tendrils. They've worked their way into all of you, into all your fibers, but nowhere are they more intrusive than your heart, and they start with her. They start with her. They've got her surrounded and they find their way from her into you and you can't escape it. It took you a long time to realize this, to realize that it wasn't Lucas you wanted, it was Brooke. You knew he didn't deserve her, that he wasn't nearly good enough and you wanted to pretend you weren't in love with your best friend because you didn't deserve her anymore than he did. You chased him, deluded everyone into thinking it was all about him, you couldn't handle the truth and maybe you still can't.

"I don't understand, Peyton." You swallow and fight not to fall back against the door frame.

You don't know how to explain this to her, or the dozens of other drawings that spell it out what you've been hiding for years. She thought she got to see them all, even the most personal private ones, but you hide them well. Well, you had hidden them well, until now. She stares at you for a few moments, waiting for you, but you can't find any words.

You try, a few times, to say her name, but it comes out strangled, tripped up in your panic.

She's up, you barely register it or the drawing she's still holding tight and she's bolting for the door. You aren't sure if you should follow or leave her be. It doesn't matter though, because your feet are trapped just like your tongue. You hear your front door slam, and slide down the door frame and call Haley, asking her to come over before you do something stupid. You wait to break down until she's there.

-

Haley slips into your room quietly, it hadn't been that long since you called her. You could see that by the clock but, god did it feel like forever. She doesn't ask any questions just climbs onto the bed and pulls you into her arms. You let go. When you finally calm down some, she asks what happened. The small circles she's tracing on your back don't stop or falter when you start telling her what happened, or when the tears start turning her shirt damp. If you don't force it out now, you aren't sure if you'll ever tell her.

"Oh." You stiffen and pull away slightly from her. She doesn't react like Brooke does though, she pulls you closer and kisses the top of your head.

After awhile you start to relax back into her a little.

"It makes sense."

"Hm?" You tilt your head up to look at her a little bit."

"This whole mess...it makes sense. Actually, I'm surprised I didn't see it sooner." You smile ruefully and hug her tighter.

"Thank you." She kisses the top of your head again before resting her cheek on top of your head.

"You should get some sleep, Pey." You swallow, nod and pull away. You don't really want her to go, you don't want to be alone tonight, but you can't ask her to stay, not after bawling all over her. She grins slightly at you, before standing up and asking if she could borrow some sweats or something. You look at her confused and make a smart ass remark about how you didn't think you cried that much that she needed to change before going home.

"I figured you'd like the company tonight."

"Oh." You blink before getting up and rummaging around through your clothes, looking for something that isn't Brooke's. It's harder than you thought it would be, and you used to love that. Now it just hurts.

"Here. These should fit. The bathroom's..." You wave your hand towards the bathroom, not making eye contact with her. You change while she's in the bathroom and stand by your window. The stars are out tonight and they look gorgeous. You used to stargaze with Brooke during the summer. You remember countless nights laying on your back and just staring up into the sky and losing yourself in her breath, her touch and those stars. You hear Haley leave the bathroom but you don't move, you aren't quite ready for that yet. You start a little when she comes up behind you and wraps her arms around you, head resting on your shoulder, her breathe tickles you when she speaks.

"Beautiful, aren't they?" You nod, all your thoughts and speech are caught in your throat and everywhere Haley is touching you.

"C'mon, lets get some sleep. I already let Nathan know I'm staying here tonight." You nod numbly and let her pull you into your bed and something strikes you as off about this, but you aren't sure what.

After a few moments of you both awkwardly adjusting yourselves and the covers she sighs and pulls you closer. You're still a little stiff unsure of how to react, but she's right, you need the sleep and you start to relax into her and barely even notice when she kisses your forehead.


	2. Help me, someone!

You wake up late in the morning, in a slight panic before realizing it's only Sunday and you aren't late for school. Then you realize someone's head is cradled in your neck and their arm is draped over your stomache and it's definitely not Brooke's. It takes you a few seconds of worried blinking before you look down and see it's Haley. Haley. What is she doing here again? Oh. Right. Brooke found your sketches. Brooke...Brooke knows now, doesn't she? Shit. You groan and reach over to your nightstand, blindly groping for your phone, which of course has no new messages. Haley stirs a little, mumbling something unintelligble before snuggling closer. You swallow and look up to the ceiling, praying that you'll find the strength for this.

You sigh and realize that you can see something in of the corner of your eye. Brooke's standing in your door way, red eyes and a look of hurt and contempt on her beautiful face. You look at her with what you can only imagine is a look of horror and worry that she was taking this wrongly.

"Brooke?"

"Why isn't it Lucas?"

"What?"

"Why isn't he in this?"

"Because he doesn't really matter."

"I don't understand." You swallow.

"Brooke..." You pause and gather courage like Indian maize. "Brooke, I'm in love with you."

"No." She's stoic, you're incredulous and your word sputters out.

"What?"

"No. No, Peyton. No."

"Brooke..."

"No!"

Haley grips you tighter as Brooke swallows.

"In love with me, huh, Peyton?" Her smile is grim, if you could even call it a smile and she's out of the door before you can even speak. You sit up, try to go for her and Haley wakes up. You hear her car speed off and you fall back with something akin to a sob. Fuck, you think. Fuck.

Haley is still stuck in that murky stage after sleep and before full consciousness. "What happened?"

"Brooke was here." You swallow back your tears and rub your forehead trying to stave off the headache you knew would be coming.

"Oh."

"Yeah." Haley sits up a little, pulls away and you miss the feel of her and you feel guilty for that. You shouldn't you think. It will only make things messier. You're in love with Brooke, your best friend who is dating Lucas, the boy you used to love. Haley is married to Nathan, Lucas's half brother and your ex-boyfriend. And you miss the feel of Haley. Shit.

"Peyton..." You look at Haley, and you can see the worry set deep in her face. You try to send her a telepathic message, which of course she doesn't get exactly cause neither of you can mindspeak or mind read. If either of you had this skill, you probably wouldn't be in this situation, or the others you've been in.

You start shaking your head and tumble out of bed, throwing clothes on in a rush. You can't get out of this room, this house, this life fast enough. You grab your car keys, you pull out of Haley's grasp. You're down the stairs and into your car and going before Haley can stop you. You don't look back, you just keep going.


End file.
